I fought to keep myself together. Every part of my body, my soul, ached for this nightmare to end. It didn't. Instead, I found myself standing at the top of a spiral staircase, dreading the fall to the bottom.
Soon after, I found an apartment with a coworker of mine. Her and I became extremely close. We told each other everything about anything without hesitation. Life was great. The parties we threw consisted of lots of alcohol and lots of boys. Every girls dream right? So I drank, got drunk, threw up, blacked out a few times, only to feel good about myself for those 2 hours that my mind was complete mush. When I woke up the next day I still felt empty, hurt, not good enough for anyone. What if I truly wasn't good enough? What if I didn't give him all that he asked for? I lived a long while believing that I needed to "put out" more, believing that sex was the only thing that guys found of worth in me . I tried so hard to fill that emptiness, that void, that never ceased with a drink, with drugs, with sex. I didn't want to feel my pain, didn't want to feel or think about anything! But the drinking,drugs,sex continued, because in those moments of inebriation I could be someone else. I could be that someone who was good enough.
Not far into my lease one of my coworkers asked me out on a date, well multiple actually, before I finally said yes. He was/is an amazing guy, the only guy in that period of my life who wanted me for me and not what I would give him. He was the first guy I opened up my heart to about my past relationship that left me broken and untrustworthy. We dated for three weeks, and then he spit out those three very words I told him I wanted nothing to do with. I love you. At that point in my life that was simply to much! I just got out of a relationship with a guy who told me those very words for two years!! I wasn't going to let myself fall into that death trap again. (Plus three weeks? was that really enough time to decide you love somebody?).
Six months into my lease, my roommate informed me that we were going to have another roommate. For awhile that was fine. Soon neither one of them were paying for groceries,utilities, and eventually rent. I was left to feed and shelter three people working two jobs at minimum wage. When I confronted my roommate for help with money she made it crystal clear that I was NOT her mother and that she knew darn well how to handle her finances. Well that lead to an even bigger mess. Her sister threatened to kill me, my things were destroyed,pawned, and God only knows what else, and my reputation at work was shattered. Everything I had entrusted my roommate to keep to herself she let everyone know about.
I begged and begged for her to let me break the lease, but the answer I got was: "I will put you through hell before I let you break the lease. We are in this for the long haul." Well she succeeded in making my life miserable. So much so I was terrified to go home. I stayed out until crazy hours in the morning just to be sure my roommates would be in bed when I got home.
I constantly asked myself (or maybe it was God) what I ever did to deserve any of what had happened to me. Was I really that bad of a person that I deserved that life? I might as well have died. I was a walking zombie. I had no energy left to care about anything or anyone. I was simply following the staircase, preparing myself for the next problem to take place in my life.
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