God's Creation

 Two weeks ago I met with some girls from our Fusion group to talk about how we could read through the Bible together, what we would read and how much, and how we will all come together and bake and learn how important it is to be in fellowship with each other.

So believer/unbeliever we meet on Sundays and come together to ask questions, talk about what we learned, what we don't like, why things are they way they are, what we enjoyed, or anything else that comes to mind.  When they all left last week I gave them the challenge to read three chapters that week starting at Genesis 1,2,3 and if they wanted a bigger challenge we would increase it the next time we met.  

So yesterday we met for our first Bible read through discussion and I was amazed at all the great questions that were asked and answered to the best of our knowledge using the Bible and Bible commentary! And they asked to increase their challenge! So this week we will read one chapter a day. I am so excited to grow with these girls.  I learned so much from them through the questions they asked and I can't wait for next week! 

If you haven't read Genesis 1,2,3 lately I highly suggest it! Can I challenge you to be a part of our read through? This week will will read in Matthew and will read one chapter a day it takes no more than 10 minutes of your time and I would love to hear more comments and questions!!  I will ask the girls your questions and tell them your comments and will give you guys feed back! Comment here!

Please be praying for us this week as we read Matthew 1-6 and get ready to talk about it on Sunday! 

"Why Didn't You Tell Me?"

Right now we are at Fall conference in Malenovice, Czech Republic. Yesterday was our first day here and already we have had two sessions, and three classes and have had a ton of useful information given to us for our hearts to absorb. Information such as; those who are lost already belong to someone, those who are thirsty are asking for water: Do you listen, our testimonies in 5 mins or less, how to step over the barriers(excuses) we put up to strangers around us, and knowing that we aren't "on the court" alone. So often I don't see the lost and the thirsty as truly needing help. I don't see them as belonging to someone.
Dave Patty compared the lost to those lost in a corn field, more specifically to a child lost in a corn field. Parents hearts panic, neighborhoods help start a search, and community comes together to find this child who has wandered into a corn field close to 180 acres. Imagine being no more than five feet from the person next to you and calling out the name of the child and you hear nothing. The wind rustled the corn stalks so bad that night that their was no hope in hearing the person next to them, or for that matter screaming out the name of the missing child. As an hour goes by, then two and three with no luck of finding the child people start talking about horror stories of when this or that kid wasn't found or was but had died, and hearts start loosing hope. When it starts to get dark often the search parties stop until morning, in the meantime parents worry themselves all night, pacing their front porch, waiting for their little girl to skip out of the corn field. In the specific story he told, there was a 22 yr. old single mother and her 5 yr old daughter who had had a few friends and their kids over for a get together. Well the little girl wandered into the corn fields in Iowa at 5pm and after hours of searching they still hadn't found her. When it started getting dark they were going to hold off on the search and start again the next day, but the weather to follow that day was suppose to hit a wave of heat up to 115 F. One paramedic decided to start one last sweep by a fence that hadn't yet been searched. As they slowly walked down endless rows of corn, the little girl called out "Daddy" to the paramedic and stood up from sitting next to the fence and ran towards the paramedic. She had never met him before and he stood there clinging to the little girl and she was reunited with her family soon after. We are or have been that lost child. Sometimes we wander other times we sit and wait, in the long haul we are searching for that person to save us. Sometimes we don't realize that that's what we are looking for until our hearts are open and we cry out "Daddy, your here, please save me!"

I think more often than not we wait for the right time to bring up Christ, we wait until they ask us what we believe or we say we will tell them our story at a more convenient time. There is never going to be the "perfect time" to share the love of Christ, not when there is an enemy wanting us to turn down situations. There have been so many opportunities where I have turned down situations because I was "to busy" or I say "there's always tomorrow." What if there is no tomorrow for that person? What would be your excuse for not telling them then?

"I'm glad you think so!"

We often forget about the sin in our own lives and see everyone else's sin around us. Why do we forget about our own? Well, God brought me to my knees today bringing forward the sin in my life that I have chosen to put behind me, but not heal from. I realized yesterday talking to Stephen that I have a lot of crap that I still have to deal with. Every time he compliments me I shrug it off and leave him with the response, "I'm glad you think so." Until now I hadn't thought that this was a piece of my heart that still needs healing. I realized that I do believe that he thinks I'm beautiful in every form that he sees me, but what I,myself, don't believe; is that I am any of the things he sees me as. I am still "not good enough." I am still fighting to feel good enough. I'm still competing to be better. What I didn't realize was that because of my past I still feel like I have to guard my heart and don't always trust those around me.  In doing this, I put Stephen in the same situation of not feeling "good enough." I had become so used to hearing from an old boyfriend "its not you its me." "You are all I want and your beautiful." "Don't change," that in hearing it I did believe that I was beautiful, I believed I was good enough. When I found out that it was all a cover up to protect himself from being found out I no longer believed that I was beautiful, I was competing with the other girls around me that seemed to be better than myself. I believed that I was the problem. What did they have that I didn't? I wasn't good enough, so I strived to be better. I wore clothes that I thought he found flattering, I gave more to him, I acted as if other "girls" didn't bother me, I made myself into someone I wasn't, and none of it mattered. I still wasn't good enough and other girls were always better than what I could give. After we finally broke up I didn't think I was beautiful. I was disgusted with my body and I was always competing with those around me, always jealous of other girls. I couldn't find my worth in anything but relationships, because I didn't feel good enough any other way. At the end of every relationship I felt the same; I felt used, ugly, and worthless. I didn't think my heart was still hurting and I thought I left it all in the past, and I did, but I didn't allow my heart time to heal. Now I find myself not wearing a swimsuit in fear that my body isn't good enough. I still act like I don't care when other girls are involved and I can't take a compliment if it has anything to do with me. 

For the first time in my life I truly believe that the man I love believes I'm beautiful, the man I love loves me back, but my heart is not yet able to believe that I am truly beautiful.
I have a hole in my heart that holds deep jealousy, bitterness, and very little confidence. It is something I know God is working on in my heart and I am thankful that I can now begin to heal a hole in my heart that I didn't know existed.

Question to consider:

In all of our lives we all have "trash" that seems to pile up in our backyards.  What is it in your life that you refuse to get rid of?  What is it that you choose to ignore because it hurts to bad to think about?  Are you afraid of what the outcome may be?  Are you avoiding confrontation in fear of what others may think of you?  What is it is that weighs you down? 

Where do you put the trash once you finally take it out?  How does Christ fit into that picture?

Responses: I would love to hear any questions or comments you guys have to say.  E-mail me at aportnel13@gmail.com, or comment/message me on this blog/Facebook.  

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.  Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.  But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:12-14

 "I'm Glad You Think So" Message me here! 

Clarity To Kill My Selfishness

This past month has been an extremely long thought process of many things.  Why am I here, what am I doing, why do I have to be apart from my fiancé for so long, why do family problems happen when I'm not there, why can't those I love see the love that Christ has for them, what is the point in trying when everything seems to fall apart.  In all fairness I don't know "why", but I do know that the Enemy comes to kill and destroy and he wants me to play his game.  I also know that I will fight back.  In time, I will find my purpose here, time apart from my fiancé will provide growth not only in us but in Christ as well, family problems will be resolved with prayer, those I love I can only continue to love and pour into, and the point of trying is to win the war that the Enemy continues to loose.  

When I came here last year I went back home "knowing" that Latvija was my home, that when I got accepted into the internship and raised support I would know that that's where I was suppose to be long term.  Well the plan I had written for myself turned out to need a lot of editing.  In the process of writing my own story, God wrote into my life an entire new chapter.  A chapter that entails me falling in love with my knight in shining armor who I have given my hand in marriage to.  Undoubtedly I knew that God was still calling me to go, and Stephen supported that decision and also was accepted into the short-term internship.  I still wanted to write my own story.  I wanted things the way I had invisioned them in my mind.  Now, my story only got better, my knight in shining armor could live here with me, serve Christ and pour love into these kids, and we would live happily ever after.    

What fantasy world was I living in!  This isn't Hollywood!  How selfish could I possibly be, not only to Stephen, but to God as well.  There was a moment in intern training when God allowed me to check my hopes and dreams at His front door.  After a long time of battling my heart and what I wanted for my life, I left those hopes and dreams in God's hands.  It was by far the hardest thing I have had to do. Not only was I choosing to get rid of my own story, but I have also chosen to allow God to pick up the pen and continue the story he started.  The reality of the fact that I may never come back to Latvija killed me.  It's no longer a one way decision it's two, well actually three.  I didn't want to think about where Stephen felt called to, I was selfish.  My heart so badly longed to be here, so much so that I failed to see the urgency for Christ in my own home town.  This summer God has been showing me that it doesn't matter where you are.  Your missions field, your "home", is all around you.  God's hand is at work everywhere.  We are His army!!  What kind of army is stagnant?  NONE!  Now that I understand that, I can go wherever God places me, granted I may kick and scream on the way there, but God always brings me back to His reality.         

So, as I continue in this internship, I know one thing; I am to be a disciple maker to make disciples.  I am to pour love into lives here simply because I love them.  I am here to proclaim the Father that saved my life.  I am here to serve the lost and hurting so that then they can do the same when they find Christ!!  I am excited to see what work God provides as these days to come approach!  

Please be praying for me.  Struggles and challenges come and go and I need a lot of guidance and wisdom from Christ to pull me through.  

Fusion Camp--Take One

First camp, successful!!  After a long week of preparing for a concert and spreading the good news to campers we ended our week with a bang!  This was the first camp that I have been to that I saw kids wanting/needing to come to Christ because their heart wanted to.  It was awesome to see that kids didn't come to Christ just because their friends did and because of that, we now have two more family members in Christ.  I am so excited to see what happens in the camps to come this summer!Please continue praying for us as these next few weeks will be very busy!! Help us be patient and free of frustration!    

The Fusion Journey Begins!!

After a long week of preparation for the 1st Fusion camp of the year the day is finally here!!  Both Faith and Shiloh American teams made here, to Riga Latvia, in one piece and with every piece of luggage!! That my friends is a blessing in disguise for a rough estimate of 24 Americans!  This last week we trained these teams and gave them as much information as one could possibly handle about Latvia's culture.  Each person has a specific role in the camps and as we step into this week please be praying for us all!  The nerves, excitement, joy, and tension are a huge part of this camp and knowing we have people on the other side and here praying us through it has a huge impact in our lives!!  
     This year the camp has 25 campers split fairly equally between guys and girls!  In the past girls outnumbered guys by a long shot!  They don't have the support of male leadership here as some are used to, so knowing that males are stepping up is extremely encouraging!  
     Both American teams take off today and will each head to their designated camps for the week!! Please be praying for us both!  Also from what I have heard, the English camp in Liepa is going very well!! Please continue to pray for them as well!

Specific Prayer Request:

For campers to be plugged into a church they can call home, as well as plugged in with a national who can disciple them so that they grow and can then disciple others!

For campers hearts to be soft and open to what God has to say to them this week!

For the leaders to have patience, courage, flexibility and to serve with humility!

Thank you all again!! I miss you all so much!! This pic is from two years ago, I can't wait to see how much they have grown!

Home away from home...

     After spending the day in  a very, very long 18 hour car ride through Europe, we finally landed in Latvia, Europe!! It feels so great to be back!  After settling in, we had a team meeting with The Hargans about why we were here and what our job is as an intern this summer.  We are here to build bridges that connect young people to the churches and Nationals in Latvia.  Along with that we are to be as flexible as we are able.  It is great to hear some of the stories the Latvians have told about those who have been saved and connected with the church and are continuing to serve and be disciples to those around them who don't yet know Christ!  Such an encouragement!!  Tomorrow we break out into our two teams to work on lessons and your prayers and much needed!! Please pray for patience as well as clarity and wisdom in finalizing lessons!!  

New birth in a living hope!

When we got to the Josiah Venture training center here in Czech I opened up my bible to 1 Peter.  Why I did I still don't know, but I know God will use it for good.  Anyway I tried reading through it and I kept being pulled back to the first few verses.  No matter how hard I tried to move on my heart still felt pulled back to the first few verses.  So I read 1 Peter 1:3-5 over and over and over and then thought, well I can't seem to focus on anything else but this passage why not memorize it! 
     "In his great mercy he has given us new birth in a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish spoil or fade--kept in heaven for you who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in that time."   1 Peter 1:3-5
Every time I read this I still find something new!  I want to know your observations! Help me understand why this verse has been placed on my heart!!


As for another update......my heart is swelling with so many thoughts and emotions!  As interns we are all going through a study called the "Shift 1|9" and in it we get to stop and go deep into the gospel of Christ.  Instead of just reading a verse and closing our Bibles we actually read the verses and then sit and talk about what we see happening in the stories.  It is such an honor to be surrounded by so many people that see so many different things in the same scripture!  Recently we have been talking about sharing the gospel in a way that people will listen instead of shutting down.  While we were talking about it I sat there  convicted, wondering "How many times did I have the opportunity to share and instead made excuses to walk the other direction?"  I learned today that there are those who can walk into a spiritual conversation with extreme ease and there are those who fall into a spiritual conversation.  Both have Christ in mind, both revolve around love, regardless of how "together" their testimonies may seem.  It is going to be a process learning to approach people without them assuming I am judging or thinking I am better them.  I am so excited to see how God shapes my heart and uses me to expand His kingdom!! 

Specific prayer request:

Pray that Christ keeps us from distractions that Satan places in front of us
Pray for peace in our sleep.  Stephen has had a few extremely dark dreams that have happened to some others in the past as well.  
Pray that support will continue to come in not only for myself but also for those who have recently become a part of the JV Staff.  I have talked to a lot of people and support raising is a very big struggle! 

Love you all! Thanks again for all your prayers and support!    

Final Destination of the Amazing race!!!

We have reached our final destination in Malenovice, Czech Republic!!  We are staying in another Josiah Venture training center, right in the middle of the mountains!  I wish you all could be here to see this beautiful view! (Picture will be up soon!)  
Unfortunately Latvia's second team (my team) didn't do so well....we took 14th our of 15 teams!  So we didn't exactly loose but Latvia's first team picked up our slack by placing 5th!! Even though we lost we had a great time walking across the Czech bolder from Poland and continuing on to a club where we learned how to do a czech folk dance!! After that we had a few more stops and ended with a huge bang by piling 5 people into the smallest taxi ever!! All in all no dreams are broken and we all still have extremely high hopes for this summer regardless of taking 14th!  

The Amazing Race!!!

The Amazing Race has started here in Krakow, Poland!  They have split the Latvian team into two groups.  If any of you have watched the "real" amazing race on television you have some idea of how it works.  Someone hands you a sheet with a clue and you are to race to the next clue given only by asking those around you, who may or may not speak English!  Needless to say this entails miles and miles of walking!! Day one of the race team one entered the last destination at the hostel at 10pm and the second at 10:30pm. We are the 2nd team and took 13th yesterday out of fifteen teams....didn't do so well lol but we haven't lost hope!  Today we ended our journey at Josiah Ventures brand new H2O center here in Skoczow, Poland. It is a center built to train interns like myself as well as giving those in need a place to sleep, kind of like a hotel!  Our last challenge for the day, before we could curl up in a nice warm bed, was to eat blood sausage and sour kraut.  For those of you who have no idea what blood sausage is.....Google it!  Sour kraut is my least favorite food And on top of blood sausage it made for an extremely great gag reflex!  We are now ranking 10th and are slowly stepping up the list!! Please keep us in your prayers as we continue our journey into Czech republic! Tomorrow makes for the last day of the amazing race and will give us our final placement!!

This Journey

is right around the corner!!  The closer it gets to going overseas the more anxious I become!! I'm excited, scared, along with every other emotion you can think of!  Support has me extremely stressed out and I know that money will ALWAYS be an issue in life.  I am learning to trust God fully! Granted its easier said than done lol.  I have seen amazing support come in from people I have never even met before!  Right now I need roughly $6,000 raised by May 15th.  They would prefer by May 1st, but the 15th is the final date.  My fiancé Stephen is also struggling raising support and has roughly $4,000 left to raise.  We have sent out another wave of support letters this last week and are sending out another wave this week.  We grabbed the church directory and are sending out letters to those from our church body.  Some we know, but most we do not.  We are trusting that God will lay on their hearts the willingness/eagerness to, in some way support us.   If you would like to support us please write the checks out to Josiah Venture and in the memo line write our account #'s to be sure you can write it off in taxes.  Here is the info to send support to:

Josiah Venture
P.O. Box 4317
Wheaton, IL 60189-4317

Stephen Knoll
Account #: 67205

Ashley Portnell
Account #: 67202

Thank you everyone for all the prayers and support that we have received so far!! We are so grateful!!

An impatient lifestyle....

It's crazy how some things in your life can bring you to your knees more than once in your lifetime.  I thought I had dealt with my past and moved on, but now I stand in front of a man who wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and now I find myself face down-truly dealing with my past.  For the first time in my life I am able to understand why those around me taught me to wait until I was married to give away something so precious.  For the first time, I stand disappointed, facing the consequences of my actions.  Why? Because for the first time, he is the only one that matters.  It doesn't matter what everyone else has to say about me, just him, and now more than ever I cry out to the only one who knows my pain--Jesus.  Constantly, I find myself begging for Christs forgiveness, knowing I have His forgiveness.  I beg because I'm not sure I have completely forgiven myself yet-I'm learning.  As I learn I pray for patience in my own life and the life of those around me.  Patience--I have found I must learn through the trials of this life.  I want too many things, too much information in my life on my owm time and forget that God's timing is perfect.  Like so many of us I try to get ahead of the game and often find myself more frustrated than I was from the start.  At this time in my life I'm learning to step back and let God lead.  Although its easier said than done.  God never gives us more than we can handle and right now my life is at its peak...so I am learning to be patient and trust the only one who can save me! 

I Stand Amazed!!

I am amazed at the work God continues to do in my life.  So often I forget to be thankful for the little things in life and find my self scrambling under the stress of everything in between.  Regardless of all the stress God ALWAYS manages to show up on top!!  Right now Latvia support has hit a stand still, and in doing so God is showing me how important it is to be patient.  In my moments of doubt I have found myself weak at the knees begging my Maker for security.  God has clearly given me an open door to follow Him through and I have/am continuing to follow His steps in this next journey of my life.  God has opened my eyes to be thankful for my job, even when things don't go my way.  Without it I wouldn't be able to pay bills on top of putting money aside for Latvia!  He is opening my eyes to those around me praying for me, and encouraging me in my walk with Him!  My support for Latvia hasn't moved much but I will NOT be discouraged!  I now have $7,967 left to raise!!  I will continue sending out support letters and am thinking of having a "strictly donation" garage sale! If you guys have any suggestions please let me know!! I am open for everything! 

On a brighter note!! I am engaged!! Stephen Knoll proposed to me on March 4th!!  I said YES!  I am truly blessed to have such a loving man of God in my life!  His heart to do/be the best he can be in everything has been a huge inspiration in my life.  Without his encouragement and support for my decision to pursue Latvia my stress level would be ten times more.  God placed him in my life at just the right time!  I can't 

wait to spend the rest of my life with him.  

God's unfailing.....

I never imagined my life looking like this.  Being a missionary was not in my job description!  Yet here I am preparing myself for a 7 month journey to Latvia, Europe!!  The song I am playing/singing above (rough I know) is a song that has spoke directly to my heart through my recent struggles.  I became so wrapped up in how/what I needed to prepare for Latvia that I forgot about the One reason I even had the opportunity to join Josiah Venture--Jesus. He sparked a fire in my heart for Latvia and he isn't stopping until every heart knows His name!  

I have sent out roughly 50 support letters in the past two weeks and already have been greatly blessed with financial support!!  I have a ton more to send out and would greatly appreciate it if you could spread what I am doing to friends and family at church and at home. 

 As most of you know I have to raise $13,257 by May 1st, 2012 before I can go to Latvia.  So far the church has offered to support $1300. A very good family friend has graciously offered to support me every two weeks up until I leave which is roughly $3900!!  I have also been given $100 from another great friend!  I am so grateful to have people in my life who are helping me expand God's kingdom!! I cant do it without you all!  Please continue to pray for me as I trust that God will help me raise $8,057 by May 1st.  

And there it was....

My blessing in disguise.   As I tried to pick myself back up I realized that these things in my life lead me nowhere close to happiness.  I woke up everyday dreading every hour, hoping it would end seconds after it began.  What was the point anyways…I worked to pay my bills, I paid my bills to keep myself alive, but yet I found no purpose to any of it.  Well somewhere down the road my roommate decided she would be the one to move out and I came home to an empty room, no roommate, and her friend that had been living with us for months.  She left him with no place to go, no job to pay for bills, and me to continue providing him shelter.  Not gonna lie he and I got through a lot together.  In the end he tried real hard to do his part in helping me.  It's lonely coming home to an empty room where someone you use to call a friend use to occupy.  Hurts even more coming home to a completely empty house and a letter on the table saying your roommate was in jail.  At the time I felt like it was me against the world and I was completely and utterly alone.  Being alone gave me so much time to think, to talk things out with myself.  I never thought I would find the blessing out of all the madness in my life.  I sat in my apartment thinking about everything that had happened in my life.  Disgusted, angry, confused, I fell to my knees and sobbed.  I begged for God to take his child back, to allow me to be his daughter again.  I knew I screwed up and I understood now why the things I did hurt so bad.  It was then that the weight of what I had done was lifted off of my shoulders.  It was then that I felt peace.  It was then that I felt love--true love.  An unconditional love from a man who loved me for who I was, regardless of the things I had done in the past.  It brings such joy to my heart knowing that there is a man who forgives me for the pain I put him through.  Day in and day out I break his heart and he weeps for me.  The sin in my life, in this world, He takes on for me.  His name; Jesus Christ.  It is because of Him that I was given a second chance at life!  Out of all the people in the world he remembered me and to this day I choose to remember Him.  My daily life is still hard, things are not by any means easy, but I can say that God's unconditional love helps me find purpose in this life.  I know now that without Christ I am empty and the void in my heart is never filled.  My biggest fear is that there isn't enough time left to tell the world that there's no time left.    

Miles Away...

     I fought to keep myself together.  Every part of my body, my soul, ached for this nightmare to end.  It didn't.  Instead, I found myself standing at the top of a spiral staircase, dreading the fall to the bottom.  
     Soon after, I found an apartment with a coworker of mine.  Her and I became extremely close.  We told each other everything about anything without hesitation.  Life was great.  The parties we threw consisted of lots of alcohol and lots of boys. Every girls dream right?  So I drank, got drunk, threw up, blacked out a few times, only to feel good about myself for those 2 hours that my mind was complete mush.  When I woke up the next day I still felt empty, hurt, not good enough for anyone.  What if I truly wasn't good enough?  What if I didn't give him all that he asked for?  I lived a long while believing that I needed to "put out" more, believing that sex was the only thing that guys found of worth in me .  I tried so hard to fill that emptiness, that void, that never ceased with a drink, with drugs, with sex.  I didn't want to feel my pain, didn't want to feel or think about anything!  But the drinking,drugs,sex continued, because in those moments of inebriation I could be someone else.  I could be that someone who was good enough.   
     Not far into my lease one of my coworkers asked me out on a date, well multiple actually, before I finally said yes.  He was/is an amazing guy, the only guy in that period of my life who wanted me for me and not what I would give him.  He was the first guy I opened up my heart to about my past relationship that left me broken and untrustworthy.  We dated for three weeks, and then he spit out those three very words I told him I wanted nothing to do with.  I love you.  At that point in my life that was simply to much!  I just got out of a relationship with a guy who told me those very words for two years!! I wasn't going to let myself fall into that death trap again.  (Plus three weeks? was that really enough time to decide you love somebody?).    
      Six months into my lease, my roommate informed me that we were going to have another roommate.  For awhile that was fine.  Soon neither one of them were paying for groceries,utilities, and eventually rent.  I was left to feed and shelter three people working two jobs at minimum wage.  When I confronted my roommate for help with money she made it crystal clear that I was NOT her mother and that she knew darn well how to handle her finances.  Well that lead to an even bigger mess.  Her sister threatened to kill me, my things were destroyed,pawned, and God only knows what else, and my reputation at work  was shattered.  Everything I had entrusted my roommate to keep to herself she let everyone know about.        
I begged and begged for her to let me break the lease, but the answer I got was: "I will put you through hell before I let you break the lease.  We are in this for the long haul."  Well she succeeded in making my life miserable. So much so I was terrified to go home.  I stayed out until crazy hours in the morning just to be sure my roommates would be in bed when I got home.    
     I constantly asked myself (or maybe it was God) what I ever did to deserve any of what had happened to me.  Was I really that bad of a person that I deserved that life?  I might as well have died.  I was a walking zombie.  I had no energy left to care about anything or anyone.  I was simply following the staircase, preparing myself for the next problem to take place in my life.

So I Ran....

     I ran from my pain.  I ran from a life that I thought I had so perfectly planned out.  I ran from a small town that knew every waking detail of my life.  Little did I realize that running from my past, really wasn't running at all.  At some point those emotions I tried so hard to hide bubbled right back to the surface.  The emotions took over my heart, my mind, my actions, and what little dignity I had left. 
     Every morning I woke, looked at myself in the mirror, and saw nothing.  Why wasn't I good enough?  What did they have that I didn't?  Everything he asked I gave to him....everything.  The friends who once stood by my side I no longer called my friends.  The new friends I made in the end weren't really my friends at all.  Now in a new town, I had absolutely nothing.  When I started work, I worked sixty plus hour weeks.  For a while it kept my mind busy, but it didn't last long. 
     I got a call from Mom telling me that Dad was on his way up to visit me, but the quivering in her voice had put my heart on edge.  Mom told me that she had made a terrible mistake, that she was sorry, that dad was extremely upset and left that morning for Montana; on his way he would see me.  The mistake..financial crisis.  What American citizen hasn't been in a financial crisis?  I stood speechless and confused while my mother sobbed apologies over and over in my ear.  I believed her every word, every cry, but still found myself speechless.  Then through gasping breaths I hear "Dad and I have been having problems for awhile, I don't know if..."  There I was eighteen, oldest of my family, right in the middle of my parents midlife crisis.  They couldn't, wouldn't get divorced.  Would they?  I had always thought that my parents had it all together, there human I know, but as a child you live in a fantasy world where bad things don't happen to good people.  They are good people.  They are my parents, together forever, til death.  End of story.  As an eighteen year old trying to explain that to her parents I'm sure it was only heartbreaking.  When dad finally got to my house his eyes were cold, heart aching just as much as my mothers, but yet he said nothing about it.  When I told him I knew, he gave me the same answer mom did, that he "didn't know if...." and once again I blurred out the last part trying to assure him things would work out.  (and they did and are but I will get to that later)  When I finally had a chance to talk to my brother about it he begged me to come home, said he couldn't handle it alone.  Once again I assured that everything would work itself out.
     Miles away my brother longed for someone to listen and talk to him, and I couldn't be there.  Miles away my mother longed for forgiveness, if not yet from my father, then from me.  Miles away my father's quiet, gentle spirit shattered into a million pieces.  Those miles made it that much easier to be angry at God.             

Once Upon A Time...

Once upon a time there was a girl; young, vulnerable, curious about what life had to offer.  She dreamt about that fairy-tale, where everyone lived happily ever after.  Where friends were friends forever, princes rescued their princess', and families remained unbroken.  She dreamt.

     My story starts towards the end of my freshman year of high school.  I grew up in a Christian home going to church, youth group, that sort of thing, going only because everyone else in the family went.  I didn't understand why we went, but knew that there were certain rules to follow, and One very special person(Jesus Christ) who died to save my sins.  The rules seemed numerous, and I never understood why one man would die for my sin.  So, my freshman  year we got a new youth pastor who knew a lot about what to-do and what not to-do, and even more about how not to follow his own advice.  Needless to say I wanted to experience life: without rules! 

     So I did; well....tried to.  Sophomore year I no longer wanted to be known as the "goody-goody."  So I experimented, smoked a little pot here and there, got drunk every once in awhile, sometimes threw in a cuss word, nothing too extreme right?  Friends noticed, some congratulated, others disappointed.  For once I felt noticed for who I was and not for what society made me.  My old friends were quickly put on the back burner and my relationship with my parents quickly dwindled.  This year was also the year that my parents(and I) decided to take in a family friend because of problems in her own household.  It was good for awhile, we shared a room together, bunk-beds, and she became that sister I never had but had always wanted.  Stories of what happened to her in her past my family strived to never have happen again.  We locked away knives (sometimes forks), razors, pills, anything that could be used as a weapon.  Counseling sessions, sessions to watch and make sure she swallowed her pills, mandatory youth group.  Cell phones, and or electronics had to be off and in my parents hands by 9pm, and a body check every night to be sure she didn't try cutting and or killing herself earlier in the day.  Needless to say, she needed more help then my family could give.  I was jealous in a sense, because I became that awkward middle child that nobody pays attention to.  She loved the attention and I only wanted her to get better, she didn't.  She told my parents about me smoking and drinking, even though she stood right next to me and joined in.  So the rules under their roof became ten times worse.  Have you ever tried to pee in a cup the size of a golf ball?  Let me tell you, that's not an easy task, especially for a female.  I mastered it by the time my mom trusted me enough to stop testing me.  She also tried convincing friends that the life she lived at home with my parents was horrible and that my parents were crazy, yet nothing but a smile appeared on her face under their roof.  She manipulated my parents into getting anything she could have possibly wanted.  By the time my parents realized what was happening, my relationship with them was already gone.  Even worse, their trust in their only daughter was completely shot.  Towards the end of my sophomore year I started dating an old neighborhood boy.  He was my knight in shining armor, my Romeo.  He understood me and for once in my life I felt love from someone else besides my parents(or what I believed was love).  He became the center of my life, nothing else mattered.  I gave him everything, including my virginity.  I loved him after all and he loved me and my sixteen year old heart saw nothing but what Hollywood portrays in movies.  We partied, drank, drank some more, smoked pot, smoked some more, until everything that day eventually became....black.  Hollywood must've forgotten to prepare young pups like myself for broken hearts.  My heart was so vulnerable and so new to a relationship that it preferred the love that I felt for this boy over any other flaw in the world; including disloyalty.  For two years I told myself "people change" and for two years he promised me things would change, he would change.  He promised they would change because he loved ME.  Wanted to marry ME.  Have a family with ME.  I held that promise dear to my heart; that promise was never fulfilled...