Tuesday, September 18, 2012

"Why Didn't You Tell Me?"


Right now we are at Fall conference in Malenovice, Czech Republic. Yesterday was our first day here and already we have had two sessions, and three classes and have had a ton of useful information given to us for our hearts to absorb. Information such as; those who are lost already belong to someone, those who are thirsty are asking for water: Do you listen, our testimonies in 5 mins or less, how to step over the barriers(excuses) we put up to strangers around us, and knowing that we aren't "on the court" alone. So often I don't see the lost and the thirsty as truly needing help. I don't see them as belonging to someone.
Dave Patty compared the lost to those lost in a corn field, more specifically to a child lost in a corn field. Parents hearts panic, neighborhoods help start a search, and community comes together to find this child who has wandered into a corn field close to 180 acres. Imagine being no more than five feet from the person next to you and calling out the name of the child and you hear nothing. The wind rustled the corn stalks so bad that night that their was no hope in hearing the person next to them, or for that matter screaming out the name of the missing child. As an hour goes by, then two and three with no luck of finding the child people start talking about horror stories of when this or that kid wasn't found or was but had died, and hearts start loosing hope. When it starts to get dark often the search parties stop until morning, in the meantime parents worry themselves all night, pacing their front porch, waiting for their little girl to skip out of the corn field. In the specific story he told, there was a 22 yr. old single mother and her 5 yr old daughter who had had a few friends and their kids over for a get together. Well the little girl wandered into the corn fields in Iowa at 5pm and after hours of searching they still hadn't found her. When it started getting dark they were going to hold off on the search and start again the next day, but the weather to follow that day was suppose to hit a wave of heat up to 115 F. One paramedic decided to start one last sweep by a fence that hadn't yet been searched. As they slowly walked down endless rows of corn, the little girl called out "Daddy" to the paramedic and stood up from sitting next to the fence and ran towards the paramedic. She had never met him before and he stood there clinging to the little girl and she was reunited with her family soon after. We are or have been that lost child. Sometimes we wander other times we sit and wait, in the long haul we are searching for that person to save us. Sometimes we don't realize that that's what we are looking for until our hearts are open and we cry out "Daddy, your here, please save me!"
I think more often than not we wait for the right time to bring up Christ, we wait until they ask us what we believe or we say we will tell them our story at a more convenient time. There is never going to be the "perfect time" to share the love of Christ, not when there is an enemy wanting us to turn down situations. There have been so many opportunities where I have turned down situations because I was "to busy" or I say "there's always tomorrow." What if there is no tomorrow for that person? What would be your excuse for not telling them then?

Monday, September 10, 2012

"I'm glad you think so!"


We often forget about the sin in our own lives and see everyone else's sin around us. Why do we forget about our own? Well, God brought me to my knees today bringing forward the sin in my life that I have chosen to put behind me, but not heal from. I realized yesterday talking to Stephen that I have a lot of crap that I still have to deal with. Every time he compliments me I shrug it off and leave him with the response, "I'm glad you think so." Until now I hadn't thought that this was a piece of my heart that still needs healing. I realized that I do believe that he thinks I'm beautiful in every form that he sees me, but what I,myself, don't believe; is that I am any of the things he sees me as. I am still "not good enough." I am still fighting to feel good enough. I'm still competing to be better. What I didn't realize was that because of my past I still feel like I have to guard my heart and don't always trust those around me.  In doing this, I put Stephen in the same situation of not feeling "good enough." I had become so used to hearing from an old boyfriend "its not you its me." "You are all I want and your beautiful." "Don't change," that in hearing it I did believe that I was beautiful, I believed I was good enough. When I found out that it was all a cover up to protect himself from being found out I no longer believed that I was beautiful, I was competing with the other girls around me that seemed to be better than myself. I believed that I was the problem. What did they have that I didn't? I wasn't good enough, so I strived to be better. I wore clothes that I thought he found flattering, I gave more to him, I acted as if other "girls" didn't bother me, I made myself into someone I wasn't, and none of it mattered. I still wasn't good enough and other girls were always better than what I could give. After we finally broke up I didn't think I was beautiful. I was disgusted with my body and I was always competing with those around me, always jealous of other girls. I couldn't find my worth in anything but relationships, because I didn't feel good enough any other way. At the end of every relationship I felt the same; I felt used, ugly, and worthless. I didn't think my heart was still hurting and I thought I left it all in the past, and I did, but I didn't allow my heart time to heal. Now I find myself not wearing a swimsuit in fear that my body isn't good enough. I still act like I don't care when other girls are involved and I can't take a compliment if it has anything to do with me. 
For the first time in my life I truly believe that the man I love believes I'm beautiful, the man I love loves me back, but my heart is not yet able to believe that I am truly beautiful.
I have a hole in my heart that holds deep jealousy, bitterness, and very little confidence. It is something I know God is working on in my heart and I am thankful that I can now begin to heal a hole in my heart that I didn't know existed.
Question to consider:
In all of our lives we all have "trash" that seems to pile up in our backyards.  What is it in your life that you refuse to get rid of?  What is it that you choose to ignore because it hurts to bad to think about?  Are you afraid of what the outcome may be?  Are you avoiding confrontation in fear of what others may think of you?  What is it is that weighs you down? 
Where do you put the trash once you finally take it out?  How does Christ fit into that picture?
Responses: I would love to hear any questions or comments you guys have to say.  E-mail me at aportnel13@gmail.com, or comment/message me on this blog/Facebook.  
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.  Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.  But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:12-14

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