"I'm glad you think so!"

We often forget about the sin in our own lives and see everyone else's sin around us. Why do we forget about our own? Well, God brought me to my knees today bringing forward the sin in my life that I have chosen to put behind me, but not heal from. I realized yesterday talking to Stephen that I have a lot of crap that I still have to deal with. Every time he compliments me I shrug it off and leave him with the response, "I'm glad you think so." Until now I hadn't thought that this was a piece of my heart that still needs healing. I realized that I do believe that he thinks I'm beautiful in every form that he sees me, but what I,myself, don't believe; is that I am any of the things he sees me as. I am still "not good enough." I am still fighting to feel good enough. I'm still competing to be better. What I didn't realize was that because of my past I still feel like I have to guard my heart and don't always trust those around me.  In doing this, I put Stephen in the same situation of not feeling "good enough." I had become so used to hearing from an old boyfriend "its not you its me." "You are all I want and your beautiful." "Don't change," that in hearing it I did believe that I was beautiful, I believed I was good enough. When I found out that it was all a cover up to protect himself from being found out I no longer believed that I was beautiful, I was competing with the other girls around me that seemed to be better than myself. I believed that I was the problem. What did they have that I didn't? I wasn't good enough, so I strived to be better. I wore clothes that I thought he found flattering, I gave more to him, I acted as if other "girls" didn't bother me, I made myself into someone I wasn't, and none of it mattered. I still wasn't good enough and other girls were always better than what I could give. After we finally broke up I didn't think I was beautiful. I was disgusted with my body and I was always competing with those around me, always jealous of other girls. I couldn't find my worth in anything but relationships, because I didn't feel good enough any other way. At the end of every relationship I felt the same; I felt used, ugly, and worthless. I didn't think my heart was still hurting and I thought I left it all in the past, and I did, but I didn't allow my heart time to heal. Now I find myself not wearing a swimsuit in fear that my body isn't good enough. I still act like I don't care when other girls are involved and I can't take a compliment if it has anything to do with me. 

For the first time in my life I truly believe that the man I love believes I'm beautiful, the man I love loves me back, but my heart is not yet able to believe that I am truly beautiful.
I have a hole in my heart that holds deep jealousy, bitterness, and very little confidence. It is something I know God is working on in my heart and I am thankful that I can now begin to heal a hole in my heart that I didn't know existed.

Question to consider:

In all of our lives we all have "trash" that seems to pile up in our backyards.  What is it in your life that you refuse to get rid of?  What is it that you choose to ignore because it hurts to bad to think about?  Are you afraid of what the outcome may be?  Are you avoiding confrontation in fear of what others may think of you?  What is it is that weighs you down? 

Where do you put the trash once you finally take it out?  How does Christ fit into that picture?

Responses: I would love to hear any questions or comments you guys have to say.  E-mail me at aportnel13@gmail.com, or comment/message me on this blog/Facebook.  

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.  Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.  But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:12-14

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